Fighting the demons

It’s so easy for me to get in my head. I work a job that does not really provide me with all the things I want. It gives me a base level of being able to be change locations whenever I want and some money, but it doesn’t do anything for me spiritually. Maybe that’s a lot to ask for in a job but a full time “40 hr/week” job takes up a lot of time. There needs to be some balance and ability to benefit spiritually, and allow me to enter into a creative space. It was easier to balance this when I was able to skateboard but I refuse to go to the doctor (I need to get my ankle checked out I need to get my ankle checked out) for some reason probably because at some level I don’t want to let myself skateboard. This reason isn’t totally clear to me but I think if it was actually pressing I would get it figured out. I need to evolve beyond skateboarding somehow. Skateboarding was cool in early mid 20s but I need to find something new, something that keeps me active and gives me manic energy because manic energy is how I sustain all of my interests and puts me in a creative mode, which is probably (?) what I need to be pursuing.

Doing things that put me in a creative mode is exactly what I’ve been struggling with lately though. These are the demons – the forces that stop me from being alive and creating and making things and being active and seeking out new experiences. Actual new experiences have been lacking – I had a formula that worked for me in the past that I don’t think works any more. Traveling used to light a fire under me but it’s become too normal now. I expect it, and the experiences are too similar to one another. I’ve done a little bit of changing the formula – I went overseas earlier this year for the first time in forever. I have been thinking about continuing to go overseas – Japan in September 2025 is becoming a goal. But what then? I’ll be in Japan and I’ll meet some people and have a cool time but “no matter where I go, there I am”. I need goals and the demons aren’t letting me create them.

I need to go beyond but I don’t know what that looks like and I’m scared. Going beyond is something that I always let happen gradually. Maybe that’s what’s happening right now, I’m gradually expanding and this is the scary part and I’ll get my feet underneath me in a second. And then I’ll be able to run!

Things that I said I “NEED” In the above paragraphs:

• balance
• get my ankle checked out
• evolve beyond skateboarding
• find something new
• be pursuing a creative mode
• goals
• go beyond